Memory
by Zammie4eva
Summary: Sirius is trying to remember his life before Azkaban, and Remus find him in Grimmauld Place, staring at the family tapestry. SBxRL slashy stuff


Sirius had been staring at the tapestry for maybe an hour, maybe more he couldn't remember. He'd been staring, trying to remember all the faces that adorned the wall. He knew all his good relatives had been blacked out, and the bad ones remained. But for the life of him he couldn't remember most. Not that he wanted to, but he wouldn't be able to tell Harry of them when he next asked.

So he stood there, squinting at the wall, arms crossed over his chest, trying to latch onto this memory and that, but every time he hooked onto a thought it slipped away from him. He sighed. Some things he'd never get back, the Dementors had been taking pieces of him away for far too long to get them back now. He didn't want to accept that, but it was true.

He heard the door open and close, a member of the Order had arrived. Sirius didn't care too much. If they needed him they'd come looking, if not they'd go about their business without bothering him. He twitched when he heard someone walk past the door to the room he was currently in, and his eyes caught a glimpse of scruffy robes and sandy hair blur past.

Remus.

Sirius's eyes stayed at the doorway, waiting for him to come back so he could see him again. He seemed busy, in a hurry. Not surprising, everyone but him was busy these days. Sirius frowned, there was something nagging at the back of his mind, but like so many things it was lost to him.

"Moony." he murmured.

Like an answer to a prayer Remus appeared at the door again. Suddenly it wasn't the middle-aged tired wizard Sirius saw, but the bright-eyed teenager who stood there, tattered robes and arms full of text books. As quickly as the vision appeared it vanished, and there once more stood the tired man Sirius knew as Remus Lupin.

"Pads?" Remus's voice was soft, like speaking to a skittish deer. He hadn't heard his nickname in years. Too many years.

"Moony." Sirius fully expected to start crying. From the wobble in his voice, so did Remus, and in two strides he was across the room with a hand on Sirius's shoulder, looking concerned.

"What is it Padfoot?"

"I can't...I can't remember," Sirius murmured looking to the wall again. "The important things. James's birthday, his and Lily's wedding day, the full moons. I don't remember anything. I barely remember our time had school, all I recall is my horrible family and running to James. And Snape...how much I hated him, because James did. I don't remember things like...well anything..."

"It's alright Pads," Remus said.

"It's not Moons." Sirius replied. "I don't remember you. How can I not remember you? I was supposed to be there Moony, I promised never to leave your side. But I did."

"Through no choice of your own. Yes I was heartbroken, but you never meant to leave. Sirius, like I told you all the time at school, you can't protect me forever. I can look after myself."

Sirius gave a wisp of a smile. "I do remember you saying that. And I remember saying that I'd always be there to look after you anyway. And now look at us. What we've become. I barely remember it, and you haven't spoke of it since I broke out of Azkaban, but I do remember some things Remus."

Sirius brought his empty eyes to Remus's. "I don't remember what your eyes looked like, or what you smelled like, or what you sound like when I massaged your back. I don't remember what you'd tell us after we had messed with Snape, I don't remember what we did on your birthdays, how we found out you were a werewolf, how you got James and Lily together."

He sighed. "But I do remember some things. I remember I loved you, and you loved me. I remember our tree by the lake, I remember the mornings after the full moon when I'd stay in the Hospital Wing with you. Things are different now though aren't they?"

"They are." Remus murmured.

"I had forgotten, for so long. In Azkaban I didn't remember anything. Not you, James, Lily, anyone. When I got out, my feet carried me to your door. I don't even know how. The way you looked at me..." Sirius closed his eyes as if in pain. "You don't love me anymore,"

"I loved you once," Remus said. "And it was the best part of my life Sirius. But you're not the same anymore. You're not my Padfoot anymore. Azkaban has changed you. I didn't want to believe it when I saw it in the papers, and for months I tried to think of all the things why it couldn't be true. You'd disappeared from our flat one day and never came back,"

Remus's voice cracked and Sirius looked up, eyes shining with guilt.

"And then I saw it in the Prophet. I tried to defend you in my mind, but I couldn't keep it up. I felt betrayed, sickened by you. I can't believe I ever believed you could do something like that. I was an idiot for thinking you'd betray us. When you came home I - I...you looked so...empty, broken. It broke my heart to see you like that. Even now you still have the haunted look in your eyes no matter how well you clean up. I hear you screaming at night."

Sirius sighed.

"But that doesn't stop me loving you."

He looked up in surprise.

"I might have convinced myself I hated you, but I have always loved you Sirius Black. From the moment I saw you on the platform to this day. Nothing will change that, not even if you forget."

Sirius felt tears prickle at his eyes. "I did forget."

"And I waited." Remus smiled, raising his hand to cup Sirius's face, thumb wiping the tears from his eyes. "The Dementors have taken a lot of things from you Sirius, but they can't take everything. They can't take me, and with me here I'll help you remember."

"I keep dreaming," Sirius murmured leaning into Remus's touch. "That one day I'll wake up and won't even remember your name. Or that Harry will ask me about his parents and I won't remember a thing about them. My memories are all I have Remus, and they're slipping away from me. Without them I'm a shell of a man, I'm terrified I'll lose them all."

"You won't. You're strong," Remus assured.

"I might have been when I was nineteen, but I'm not anymore." Sirius sighed.

"You once told me that no matter what happened in the future, you'd always come home to me." Remus whispered. "And you have. Even when you couldn't remember, you found your way home to me. I believe in Sirius Black. In your heart you know, your mind just has to catch up."

Sirius gave a ghost of a smile.

"I haven't seen you smile in so long Siri," Remus smiled. "I'd like to see it again, if you could."

"I'll try Moony."

Remus leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to Sirius's lips. Sirius let out a sigh. "Now that's something I've missed," he whispered.

"I wanted to leave you to yourself for a while," Remus murmured.

"When has that ever been a good idea?" Sirius smirked.

Remus chuckled slightly.

"Are you busy right now?"

Remus shook his head. "I was looking for you. What were you doing in here?"

"Trying to remember something," Sirius sighed looking back to the wall. "I thought seeing their faces would jog some memory. So far nothing. Being in this house again helps me, but I only remember the bad things, like my family. Moony, that photo in my old bedroom, do you remember when it was taken?"

Remus nodded. "We'd gone to the snow with James's parents that holidays. You threw a snowball in my face before turning into a dog and running off." he chuckled. "It tooks Prongs and me half an hour to realise you'd gone back to the cabin and left us outside looking for you."

Sirius smiled, but it was pained. "I don't remember."

"You will. Give it time." Remus insisted. "Until then, shall I help jog your memory for particular situations involving us?"

Sirius smiled. "I think you shall."

Remus chuckled. "Be gentle with me, we're not teenagers anymore," he said taking Sirius's hand and leading him out of the room and up the stairs.

"I seem to recall never taking it easy on you," Sirius teased.

Remus laughed. "Oh that's right, regular beast you were,"

"Ah well that's what happens what you mix Black with Animagus." Sirius chuckled.

"And you still smell like wet dog," Remus snipped pecking Sirius's cheek.

"And you still taste like chocolate," Sirius murmured back.

Remus smiled.


End file.
